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Author (or Editor): De Becker, Gavin |
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Title: The Gift of Fear, and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence |
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Fiction? N |
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Publisher: Dell |
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Date: 1997 |
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ISBN: ISBN 0440226198 |
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Series Name: |
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Physical description: Paper |
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Relevance to HPPUB narcissism |
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Review: Book Review: The Gift of Fear, and Other
Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence; by Gavin De Becker; This book purports to
discuss everything an ordinary person needs to know to protect himself or herself from violent crime, and for that it is valuable.
But two particular topics I want to comment on. These topics are (1) how to
fire someone from a job for cause and (2) stalking. The author, in fact,
underplays the fact that some people just don't make it in a civilized world.
They lash out because they don't have what it takes to meet others' needs in
any meaningful way (however distant) at all. One key principle: when
you say "No!" to someone, say it once, and mean it, and don't
recant. The discussion on terminating an employee, for example, emphasizes that
the termination debriefing should be brief and straightforward. In a few
minutes, the disoriented employee should be told that termination decision is
final, and exactly what will be done about severance and references; beyond
that, no promises should even be hinted at. Security precautions should be
taken. De Becker disagrees with other human resources experts in that he
thinks terminations should be done late in the week. But you probably should
wait until the time of the interview to shut off the person's computer
access. The stalking issue is particularly subtle. He notes that a pursuer can
naively, innocuously "stalk," looking for "friendship"
without realizing that his interest is totally inappropriate for his
situation. (This could happen as simply as by adding someone to an email list
without good "business" reason other than to get that person's
"attention." An unmarried or divorced person without evidence of
legitimate intimate connection to another adult may find his simple overtures
particularly "suspect" ¾
here the absence of one thing with the presence of another instantiates a
"rebuttable presumption."
) The response to unwanted attention should be capital and final: say no
once, and then never again give the person any "detectable"
response. (I've had to do this twice in my own life, when I was much
younger. But it's not fun to "reject" soneone.) But there is a curious paradox to the stalking/infatuation/harassment
syndrome. On the one hand, people who get stalked tend to be younger and more
"attractive," and our society has curiously given the young and
"beautiful" some degree of power in deciding when they are getting
"stalked." Indeed, narcissistic infatuation happens a lot.
("If I can just see the person one more time, maybe…..") On the
other hand, Remember the movies Play Misty for Me (1971) and Fatal
Attraction (1987)! Still, some suitors are more "in
love" with being in love, with the idea of a "relationship"
than with the target person. After all, many people take society's unwritten
law, that you are nothing without a "partner," the wrong way. This book is mentioned in the end credits for See essay on narcissism.
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